A SOOTHING BALM: THE NUBILE GIRL

March 2009
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Whereas Kinsey enlightened us about the wide range of variations in sexual behavior, social scientists today have begun to emphasize the wide range of meanings that such behavior has. And in contrast to Freud, who said all human actions were shaped by sexual needs, they now suggest the opposite: that sexual activity is often motivated by other needs. Nonsexual needs.

Thus a careful observation of the erotic adventures of men in their middle years reveals that their penis angst is usually related to larger mid-life anxieties, and is best understood as one aspect of a shifting sense of self.

In response to wrenching changes, a man at this stage of life is struggling to revise his own self-image and find dignity in the face of undeniable limitations. More than ever, he needs the confirmation of being seen as a powerful and desirable man—a need that the nubile girl is uniquely suited to satisfy. Our culture’s most obvious symbol of hot-blooded sexuality, she can meet the aging male’s intensified need for reassurance both in public and in private. Even when appearances are deceptive, she still has something special to offer, as one connoisseur testifies:

I’ve known a lot of young women, and I find that they’re full of sexual problems and fuck-ups. My experience is that they always have to be taught and initiated. It’s labor, not paradise! It’s not some marvelous, highly sexed, steamed-up, ready-to-go honey that you’re getting! It’s more than likely somebody who’s insecure and frigid and inept.

One thing that’s true, though, I think you can get a younger woman to respond to you very strongly. She’s going to be less appraising than an older woman. She’s had less experience. There are fewer men in her life to which she can compare you. You can dominate her more, sort of impose your myth on her. And you can feel you’re initiating her into all sorts of things and blowing her mind and enslaving her—or whatever the hell it is that you want to do with a woman.

The younger woman has a virginal imagination. After all, what was the whole appeal of the virgin ultimately? That you could mold her and shape her and do this trick with her—that’s why men wanted to marry virgins. They didn’t want any comparisons with any other men. So I think that is a great emotional kick.

During the mid-life period men of this generation often have difficulty separating the two intertwined elements that define their sense of manhood: work and sexuality. It is common, therefore, for a man to suffer first from a feeling of impotence at work, and to then seek compensation through sexual conquest. This is especially true when he despairs of having failed to meet his own standards.

In The War Between the Tales? Alison Lurie describes this situation perfectly. Previously disdainful of colleagues who dallied with students, Brian Tate is a college professor who sees himself as “a just, honorable, and responsible person.” At forty-six, however, he painfully recognizes that he will never become what he had always aspired to: a great man.

His dream demolished, he derives no comfort from knowing that others consider him successful, or that he is blessed with a beautiful wife and two intelligent children. And so he gradually succumbs to the persistent advances of his young student, Wendy Gahaghan—a move that puzzles him. Perhaps, he speculates, his descent into adultery was caused by

“the realization that all this solemn self-regulation had been for nothing.”

Despite Brian’s confusion, it is obvious that Wendy provides a powerful antidote for his feelings of failure. To her Brian is a hero and a great man. Basking in the nourishing warmth of her admiration, he feels increasingly exploited at home by rebellious adolescents and a scolding wife. Why shoud he continue living in “a hostile camp,” he wonders, when Wendy—who “never judges him, withholds nothing, cares for him more than for herself”—offers unconditional love?

Thus Brian separates from his wife to frolic with Wendy, until the frenzied chaos of her life exhausts him and he finally returns to his familiar domestic comforts. But something significant has happened in the meantime: Having retreated to a hospitable harbor during a stormy period, he returns with his self-esteem restored.

Surprising though it may seem, this same magical act of restoration and reassurance is often performed just as skillfully by a call girl as by a college girl. That at least is the finding of a study entitled Lovers, Friends, Slaves by Martha Stein, a Manhattan social worker. Based on the direct observation of sex acts involving 1,242 men, this study shows that for men in their middle years even sexual liaisons involving cash are not motivated by simple sexual desire, but by a special constellation of factors related to the mid-life crisis.

The majority of these men came to the call girl to seek relief from overwhelming performance pressures, says Stein, who concluded that most of them were having difficulty working through the problems related to their stage of life. (Described as top-level businessmen and professionals, 42 per cent of these men were in their forties, with the rest roughly divided between the thirties and the fifties.) Generally they regarded the call girl’s apartment as a haven where they could escape their worries. And more than half imposed on her a therapeutic role—for ego support, sexual counseling, airing their troubles, and reducing anxiety. Some men confided fears or feelings that they had never shared with anyone else—including their wife, or even their psychiatrist. Others increased their visits during times of crisis, when the tension at work or at home became acute. Better than tranquilizers, they said their visits helped them unwind physically and also provided much-needed emotional comfort.

Ambitious and self-denying, these men often described themselves as feeling harassed, overworked, and lonely. Over and over again they spoke about having no one to talk to. They complained about physical health problems; ambivalence about their chosen lifestyle and the value of monetary success; and feelings of estrangement from their wives and children. In turn, these tensions were expressed through excessive drinking, which was very common; depression; stress-related illnesses such as heart conditions, ulcers, and high blood pressure; and a high incidence (25 per cent) of sexual dysfunction.

Equally revealing, in this setting where a man was under no obligation to satisfy his partner or to conform to social standards, half these men chose to abandon their prescribed role as an “aggressive” male. Sexually passive, they wanted to relax and let the call girl direct the love play, rather than “perform.” They also preferred the female-superior position to any other, and frequently requested fellatio.

Thus, says Stein, the call girls provided therapeutic benefits—which a man could accept without seeing himself as maladjusted—by fulfilling emotional needs that were not being met in his marriage or dealt with by the helping professions. That is, in addition to sex these men used their sessions primarily to bolster their own self-image—by choosing roles that brought praise or reassurance.

According to their preferences, they fell into nine categories. The “Lovers,” for example, approached sex in a highly poetic way and often fantasized romantic scenarios of escape, which might include vacationing with the call girl. Anxious to be considered special, the “Lovers” also demanded much flattery. The “Friends” wanted, above all, to ventilate their problems and anxieties. They complained about the stressful aspects of their work or home life, and needed to be listened to in a supportive, sympathetic manner. The “Guardians,” on the other hand, rarely talked about their own problems because they wanted to appear strong, wise, and protective. Concerned about impotence, they preferred very young girls who giggled, got confused, and needed their help. Another group, the “Adventurers,” were interested in becoming liberated swingers and in experimenting with different techniques and postures. Attracted by the counterculture’s notion of playful sex, they wanted to combine sex with drugs and rock music, or arrange scenes with several girls.

Adept at responding to the particular role chosen by each man, the call girl became the fantasy woman who was paid not merely to provide sex, but also to be totally devoted to his needs and wishes. Eager to please, utterly accommodating, she was a welcome relief for men who felt both over-pressured and underappreciated.

And so it is for other men: Seeking refuge from the harsh assaults of this mid-life period and release from the heightened anxieties that haunt and perplex them, they confirm their manhood through the worshipful gaze of a nubile girl—who mirrors back an image of their most potent self. Contrary to popular wisdom, men in their middle years are generally drawn to younger women not because they want to recapture their youth, but because they need to reconfirm their maturity. One man explains: A lot of people have said they see me as someone who is interested in young women because this contradicts my own age or makes me feel young, or something of that sort. I don’t really believe that at all. I don’t think I have any particular prejudice in favor of youth, but I do feel that after a certain age—and it isn’t a very advanced age, maybe something like twenty-eight—women become very difficult to deal with because they have been through the mill. They’re like a damaged, fractured vase, and if they get one more knock they’ll fall apart. Or else they’re sort of a shrewd appraiser of male horseflesh and they just want a good deal. It’s either defensiveness or cannincss, but it certainly makes a big problem for men.

Another thing: As you grow older you more and more prize the quality of sweetness in a woman, and I find the word “sweet” a very important word in the middle-aged male’s vocabulary. “Isn’t she sweet?” “Such a sweet girl!” It’s part of the escape theme—away from harshness, away from reality, away from contests of ego strength with mature women. You want that sweetness, that sense of—I don’t know—tenderness, affection. It’s almost a childlike quality as balm, as relief, as comfort, as escape from this endless power struggle that you always live in.

Earlier in my life I don’t think that quality would have been recognizable to me. I wouldn’t even have articulated it. Women were either good-looking or intelligent or very stylish or sexy. Today I’ll look at a woman and I’ll say, “Well, she’s attractive and bright, but she’s just not a sweet person, so what good is it?” That’s really the master quality, I find, at this stage of my life. It’s a quality of innocence, or yieldingness, of no hostility, no combat, and no rivalry.

I think younger women are more romantic and more tender, and sort of sweeter. Older women tend to be maternal and sympathetic and understanding, but it’s all turning into your mother—which is not what you’re after! A mature woman is in the same situation you’re in. She wants her pleasure, and you’re going to contribute to it. She’s not going to be your slave, and she’s not going to be your adorer, and she’s not going to fall down and collapse in front of you!

The young woman can enhance your ego by reflecting back on you the image you want to have reflected. You want to be taken for a big man or a generous man or a sexy rogue or a great fuck—whatever image you’re trying to promote, you can get it back from her a lot easier than you can from an older woman.

So I don’t think it’s trying to recapture your youth, or trying to be young. It’s just the opposite. It’s an attempt to assert your true maturity, your true masculinity, your true power. I think the young woman provides the measure of ourselves that we think we’ve earned, and which mature women withhold from us. They won’t give us the respect, and they won’t give us the surrender, and they won’t give us the ego-flattering imagery we crave. That’s it, man, they won’t give it to you!

This, then, is the single most seductive reason for the appeal of the nubile girl: A yielding innocent on whom a man can project whatever fantasy he craves, she makes him feel not merely potent, but also omnipotent. A soothing balm indeed. Where else, after all, can the aging male find a sexual partner who will offer applause and adulation without demanding reciprocal attentions? Who will satisfy his emotional needs without requiring him to cater to hers? Only the young can afford to be so selfless.

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