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At those times when we are running “hot,” when we are feeling hostile, impatient, competitive, and suffering from “hurry illness, “we are in a phase of what I call maladaptive hyperarousal. My interviews indicated that asking about how people were “running” in this regard led to more information than asking how their genitals were working. In “diagnosing” your sexual relationship, ask first if the two of you seem on a “hot” cycle of personal and marital pressure: excessive responsibilities, and feelings of too much to do in too little time, of hyperreaction and agitation.

If you are running hot, your neurohormonal system runs hot too, and the biochemistry of your sexual system interferes with your natural sexual reflex system. These are the hot problems that might result:

MALE

Seminal seepage (losing ejaculate without contractions)

Hyperarousal

Ejaculatory urgency (feelings of not being able to control pelvic contractions)

Shortening of refractory period

Absence of psychasms

Diminished afterglow

Hypersensitivity of F- and/or and R-area response

Diminished contemplation

Pelvic reflex addiction or maladaptive hypersexuality (loss of intimacy)

FEMALE

Skene’s glands or urinary emission without contractions

Hyperarousal

“Emission” urgency (feeling of not being able to control pelvic contractions)

Shortening of refractory period

Absence of psychasms

Diminished afterglow

Hypersensitivity of G- and/or C-area response

Diminished contemplation

Pelvic reflex addiction or maladaptive hypersexuality (loss of intimacy)

All of these “hot” problems are natural responses to daily living styles. There is no reference to lack of orgasm or psychasm in intercourse because the couples reported that coital orgasm was not a major concern. They learned to focus on their feelings and interactions in the general sexual relationship and the interaction between sex and living. They were trying to learn “who,” not “what” was the matter with their sexual life.

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You’d think it would be great for us in bed. But somehow we just don’t mesh. It doesn’t work out. It’s not a Dr. Ruth problem, jusi that something is missing.

WIFE

As a review of this chapter and to get ready for the following lessons in super marital sex, I have provided a brief quiz for you and your spouse. Discuss each item together and score your marriage on a 0-to-10 scale. Scoring 100 points could mean two things. First, you are completely free of the pressures on American marriage I have discussed. Second, you are cheating on this test! We all have these pressures. The idea is to begin to reduce them to make way for a super marriage.

This test and others you will be taking in this book are based on a scoring system of degrees, not yes or no. All systems, particularly marital systems, change. Just the fact that you are taking a test on your marriage changes your marriage. Score and discuss each item in degrees, trends, indications, not absolutes. It will take some time for you to get used to this type of scoring, but learning to see your relationship as an adapting system is a major step in strengthening your marriage and helping it function in harmony with the rules of all world systems.

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